Gettin' Naked

Well, here goes my first post on this blog. I don't think anyone except Allisun knows about this blog. She set it up for me quite a while ago I've used lagodesnudo to log in to others' blogs but Ive never blogged on it.. I guess an explanation as to the name would be a good way to start. I have a great love for Bear Lake. It is a lake that is half in Idaho and half in Utah, a few miles west of the Wyoming boarder. One might wonder why I have a love affair with this lake? When I worked for Roy Rodgers Restaurants, my boss sent his managers up there for a few days. It represents to me a place to get away from my daily cares because of that short trip. While there are many places that are prettier, there are few with prettier water. I feel as if I don't have a care in the world while I'm there. I feel like I am home. I have taken my family there at least once a year for more than 25 years. Now my grandchildren like to go up there with me, which just adds to the experience. I'd say to my kids "Let's go to Bare Naked Lake". Now, I say it to my grandchildren. I think Kristin ,if not the most proper of my grandchildren, is in the top one or two, says to me with the cutest, wicked smile, "Let's go to Bare Naked Lake, Grandpa". I just love it. I use the name "Bear Laker" when I comment on news blogs. I didn't want to use Bare Naked Lake for the name of my blog, so I did it as close as I could in Spanish, which I speak and love as a language and is not so graphic to most English speakers. Literally translated it is Lake naked.

I wanted a place where I could log some of my thoughts and start a process that I intend to go thru. It has taken many days to get up the courage to actually start to put down the thoughts that I'm about to blog about. The title of this entry is "Gettin Naked". Appropriate for Lagodesnudo. I told my wife I was going to do it and her response was less that enthusiastic. She said what if you are bishop or stake president and one of the members sees it and thinks bad of you. MY response yeah right!!!ME? Bishop? Stake President? You'll see me naked at stake conference before I'm one of those. I did have some apprehension about it but the more I thought about it the more I think it is exactly what I am doing to start the process I mentioned earlier. I think we all have had dreams where we are either in our underwear or totally naked in a crowd of people. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. I'm always glad to wake up and there is no one around or like waking up in church and I'm still clothed. Well, I feel very uncomfortable, in revealing exactly where I see myself in life right now. I hope to wake up someday and realize that I am no longer in the place I am right now and am no longer uncomfortable that I was there.

I have always enjoyed motivational stuff but I haven't always agreed or, better stated, believed what they claim could be accomplished if you only believe.
I set out on a quest last year in January, with some well stated goals but I fell in the moat as I gallantly charged out the gate of the castle in my armour on my beautiful white steed. Some one forgot to but down the draw bridge. As I spent a good part of the year swimming around in the dark, stagnant stinky water, I've came to realize that it was I who didn't put down the drawbridge. I wasn't ready to leave the safety of my mediocrity.

I read a few book during the year that I was hoping to find the answers to my lack of motivation or the perceived comfort in mediocrity. I didn't accomplish even one of my goals last year. I started out blogging in the family blog but soon felt pretty stupid for even trying. So here is the first thing I do to get bare. I admit that to be in my position at this age in life is pathetic.

Let me make a disclaimer at this point. I have lots to be thankful for and I will eventually blog about them. I feel, though, that it is important to say "this is where I am right now and this is where I want to go." I've never seen Alice in Wonderland or maybe it's the Wizard of OZ, but have heard many times the exchange between two of the characters. You fill in the proper names and dialogue. One character comes to a fork in the road and asks the other character deployed there which road he should take. He answers " Where are you going?", to which the first character answers, "I don't know." The second answers, "Well, it doesn't matter which road you take then." My purpose is to state exactly where I am, where I want to go, and how I intend to get there.

This post is to state where I see myself right now. Finish getting naked, if you will. I am almost 65 years old, I am renting the basement of the home I used to own. My only steady income is from the valiant efforts of my wonderful wife and the social security check I receive each month. I owe on credit cards, some of which I haven't paid on in months. I pay rent but lived here for more than a year without paying rent. During that time we paid the gas and electric bills, which we still pay in addition to rent. We have intermittent sporadic income from a construction business that has had difficulty in finding steady work. However, I want to state here, that when times seem the darkest, we are blessed with some income from that business that puts us back level again and gives us hope. I will blog some feelings on that subject later.
I have worked construction for the last thirty years. I have tried to find steady work but to no avail. For several months last year I sent out resumes to any listing that I could find. With follow up calls and emails, I was unable to secure a single interview. I contacted companies I had worked for before, which I add, I had good records with and they weren't interested.

I have asked myself many time why am I where I am. The easy answer is that the economy went to hell and I'm a victim of that. Or The investors I built houses for didn't pay me what they owed. Both of which are true. But are there others more valid?

Have you ever heard of the Law of Attraction? I have been aware of it for many years but gave it little thought. It states that everything in our lives good or bad we attract to ourselves. I have studied this idea some the last few months and have asked myself how did I attracted to me the bad economy? I had nothing to do with that. Or how did I attract dead beat investors to me? Well, I think I know the answer. It all starts with preparation. If I had finished a degree in college, would I had been in a different place? Most likely. If I had stayed working for wages, would I be better off now? Most likely. Are there things I could have done to prepare better for the down turn in the economy? Maybe. Are There things that I could have done with the investors that could have staved off the problems I had with them? Absolutely! But is dwelling on the past productive? Only for one reason. What can I learn from it. Is there a message from Heavenly Father in this?
I think so and what I hear is learn, my son, learn. What are the lesson learned or to be learned? Subject of another post.

One other thing I need to state, for me to complete the getting naked theme, is simply say to my dear wife how sorry I am for letting her down. I have failed in my primary duty as a husband to support her as she deserves and is entitled to expect from me. I had an experience when we moved down stairs that brought to the fore front what a poor provider I am. We moved downstairs just before Labor Day weekend. Than we went to Bar Lake for the long weekend before we slept down there. When we came back, we started to unload the pick up and I had grabbed an arm full of stuff and one of the things I had was a bag of onions. I thought where am I going to put these onion when I get in the house. I thought I don't have anywhere to put my onions. And it just hit me. I'm moving into a hole. How pathetic am I that I am moving my wife of 43 years into a hole. I couldn't go into the house. I sat down in a chair along the garage and started to cry. Lee Ann came up to me and said "What's the matter" And I said " I don't have anywhere to put my onions". I'm sure she wanted to laugh(I have laughed many times since) but instead she consoled me. It took me a half an hour before I could enter the shrine to my pathetic state.
Where we live is really quite nice. The hole is only an analogy. Allisun and Beau have treated us superbly and of course, daily watching Nora grow has been a blessing beyond measure. When she calls from the top of the stairs, "Papa, stairs" my heart melts and the blob goes and gets her.

Well, there you have it. Nearly totally naked! It is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, because I have a PLAN. More on that next post.